Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
