I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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