yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
