I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
