Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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