Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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