You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
