Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
