The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
