Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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