it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i already hear my dad disowning me
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
