And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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