I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
