can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
