someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
