So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Vodka?
Forever.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
