he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
