Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
