Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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