Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
