Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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