the condom got lost in my hair
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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