At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
