I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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