The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
