omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
ok first of all what the fuck
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
