The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
