My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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