sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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