my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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