So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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