All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
