he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
