Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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