toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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