So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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