all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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