Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
