Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
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