Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
