It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
