I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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