yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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