I'm gonna have a badass scar
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Girls should come with a carfax report
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
