Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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