It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
