and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
