he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
