life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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