My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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